It Wasn’t Your Fault — But It Is Your Responsibility
When we talk about trauma, we often think only of the painful or overwhelming events that happened to us—abuse, neglect, loss, war, violence, or instability. These are the trauma-inducing events: the moments that overwhelmed your nervous system and exceeded your capacity to cope.
But trauma isn’t just what happened. Trauma is what happens inside of us as a result. It’s the meaning we made to survive.
Trauma Isn’t Just the Event—It’s the Adaptation
When something traumatic happens, especially in childhood, we often don't have the safety, language, or support to process it. So we adapt. And those adaptations—meant to protect us at the time—become internalized beliefs:
“I’m not good enough”
“I’ll be abandoned”
“I have to stay in control”
“I am unlovable”
These beliefs help us survive emotionally, even if they hurt. They explain the unexplainable. They create order out of chaos. And over time, they shape how we show up in the world.
The Masks We Wear
If you carry these beliefs, your behaviors are not flaws—they're masks. They’re protective strategies you learned to guard those psychological wounds:
People-pleasing to avoid abandonment.
Perfectionism to feel worthy.
Avoidance to stay safe.
Over-controlling to keep life predictable.
Criticism of others to shift attention away from your own insecurities or pain.
These patterns aren’t random. They once served a purpose. But they may no longer serve you.
The Power of Meaning-Making
Here’s the hard but liberating truth: You made those beliefs. And that means—you can unmake them.
No, you didn’t choose what happened.
No, it wasn’t fair.
No, it’s not your fault.
But it is your responsibility now.
Healing doesn’t come from changing the past or blaming it forever.
Healing comes from reclaiming your power in the present, and taking radical responsibility for how you respond, how you relate, and how you grow moving forward.
You Get to Choose What Comes Next
Taking responsibility doesn’t mean excusing what happened or pretending it didn’t hurt. It means acknowledging the ways your past shaped you—and then choosing not to let it define you. Because healing is not about erasing your story, it’s about rewriting what comes next.
